


Two Bits

by Ononymous



Series: Father's Day/Asgore Week 2019 [8]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 09:27:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19331779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ononymous/pseuds/Ononymous
Summary: For monsters, grooming is super easy. If you're Doctor Alphys and have no hair and remember to shower regularly. Asgore doesn't have that luxury. Not to worry, knowing when to outsource is an important skill for a King.





	Two Bits

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Free

With a small clang the dustbin lid opened, and the rainbow-coloured bundle of hair poured from the dustpan into it, a few loose strands clinging on for dear life. A vigorous shake dealt with them. Mona brushed her own hair out of her eyes and scanned the mock-tile linoleum floor. Totally clean. A cheerful jingle on the radio mirrored her satisfaction. It would never stay totally clean, even the baldest of her patrons saw to that, but that didn't mean she couldn't appreciate staying on top of it.

She looked over to the counter, where the thermos of coffee she'd brought with her that morning stood. Unfortunately she didn't get an opportunity to pour herself a cup, as her shadow on the floor was swallowed up by a much larger one. It may have been a little unnerving if not for the jarringly pleasant jingle of the bell above her door and the considered weighty footstep telling her who was there. She spun round with her most professional smile.

"Howdy, Mona!" said a fang-tipped smiling mouth.

"Hello there, Asgore!" she replied. "Help yourself to a magazine, I just gotta get set up here."

He complied by sitting down on the waiting bench and picking up a magazine festooned with flowers on the cover. It looked minuscule in his large hands. While he skimmed it, Mona fished out a screwdriver from the pocket of her apron and attacked one of the chairs, partly dismantling it so she could remove the arm rests, and lowering it as much as she could. When finished, she called Asgore over, who came and sat down as gracefully as his bulk allowed, and waited as Mona cast the largest cover blanket she could find online over his body.

"The usual, please," he said.

"A trim? Not a problem." Mona picked up her scissors, untangled some hair from the base of his right horn and went to cut it. However something stopped her. It didn't take long for Asgore to notice the lack of snipping noises.

"Is there a problem, Mona?"

"Not really, but... I just noticed, your hair's always the same length when you bring it to me, even if you haven't come round for months. Seemed a little weird. I've had human customers come in after years and their hair's at their waist. Yours has never gone past your shoulders no matter how long you wait."

Asgore chuckled. "It's actually not that different from the rest of my fur, there's a length it just reaches and that's that. Otherwise we'd probably be tripping over ourselves. I was actually a few decades out from my last haircut before I sought a hairdresser."

Decades? Being a King must be hard work. "Ah, gotcha. But then... if it doesn't really get too unmanageable, why do you bother cutting it?"

The blanket shifted as he instinctively went to stroke his beard, before remembering he couldn't reach it. "I suppose looking like I keep on top of my grooming helps keep human diplomats at ease. The last thing I'd want to do is look wild, like I will flip out at the slightest provocation. I never want to put that idea in their head."

A veteran of last minute trims for job interviewees, the gist of Asgore's reason made good sense to Mona. But still, "Do you like how I've kept your hair tidy?"

"You've kept it wonderfully tidy."

"But do you _like_ it?"

Asgore wrestled hard with clashing instincts for honesty and tact. "...perhaps it is a little _too_ tidy for what I am used to."

"Okay, that's all I need. There are ways too look presentable and well groomed without stripping away what makes you you. How about we try a different approach?"

Asgore looked at his face in the very top of the mirror. "...alright. A change is as good as a rest."

"Cool! Now, do you want every day presentable, or something a little special?"

He smiled, trying to cover some nerves. "In for copper, in for gold. Let's try special."

"Bold decision, your majesty." She swivelled the chair around, lowered his head into the sink, then carefully placed tanning goggles over his eyes. "Phase one is a good wash, and I think we'll include your face with that."

It was fortunate she specified that, for as she started spraying his head with water, it became apparent keeping his normal fur away from the spray would have been a tall order. The initial rinse wasn't too bad, but applying the shampoo got a little complicated, mainly because she was using more than usual. The nostrils at the end of Asgore's muzzle kept twitching nonstop. All Mona could pick up was the usual faint whiff of strawberry. To Asgore it must have been like two strawberries suddenly appeared inside his nasal cavity.

"So," she said as she massaged the later into his scalp, "how are the kids?"

"Fine, for the most part," he said. "Asriel had a rough moment the other day. Always unfortunate when it happens, but he never stops wanting to be better, so we're thankful for that."

"That's nice," she said, recalling the kindly acting miniature Asgore she'd met a few times. "So do you know when he's gonna take after you and start getting haircuts? Might be best to start early."

"Funny," chuckled Asgore, "Toriel thinks there's a chance she may never have to bring him here."

"Why's that?"

"Well what you're wrestling with right now is standard for male boss monsters, we normally have a mane by adulthood. But it is not universal. Asriel's grandfather was bald, figuratively speaking, so he may take after that."

"Lucky kid," teased Mona, "lots of men wish they never had to bother with haircuts. And how's the missus anyway?"

"Missus?" Asgore fidgeted slightly. "Afraid I don' have one. I'm not seeing anyone right now, you know how things are."

"Right, understood." Her massaging fingertips migrated onto his muzzle. "The special look. Any important diplomatic meetings coming up?"

"Well there's a summit in a few months."

"And you plump for the special now, when your hair will be in the same condition then. What's up with that?"

"I... I just felt like it."

"Sure you aren't trying to show off to someone?"

"No, I don't need to show off, Mona."

"But maybe you want to... Sure you don't have a date later?"

"..." was Asgore's concise answer. Even with the dark goggles on, Mona felt he wasn't looking at her. To each their own.

"'kay, keep your mouth shut, rinse time."

This too took a long time. Soapy lather kept finding knots of fur to take refuge in, so the simple spray of water wouldn't wash it alone, so Mona once again had to massage the fur to help get it all out.

"You can take those goggles off, the danger of blinding is past." He obeyed. "Right, now to set up the hairdryer. This will take a while..."

"Actually," said Asgore, "I have something a little faster. And cheaper for your electric bill."

Before Mona could ask, Asgore extracted an arm from under the blanket, and waved it over his sopping wet head. To her brief shock, it was engulfed in flames. His benign smile didn't change one bit, which helped her not reach for the phone and the fire brigade. The flames gave off a comforting warmth like the sun, and she could make out steam escaping from it. The flames soon vanished, and his head looked half again as large from how the fur had puffed up.

"When you sometimes have to spend days with aquatic monsters, you figure out the quickest way to dry yourself," he explained.

Phase two proceeded: The taming. There is a difference between clean and tidy, and Asgore's head was definitely one and definitely not the other. Mona tackled the golden mane first, grabbing a sturdy comb to straighten out and tidy the stray locks frozen into one position or another from the unorthodox and rapid drying. There were a few knots and frayed ends, definitely the hair of someone who gives very little thought to it. With her scissors she surgically snipped the very ends of these troublesome tussles, not yet worrying about the forest when all these trees had to be dealt with. Asgore gave no sign of complaint as she worked on this, but swapping the comb for a bristly brush to bring his beard and facial fur to heel was a little harder to keep a dignified expression. Strangely enough, it was brushing his floppy ears that got him outright wincing with each pass of the brush.

"Aaaand, phase two complete. How does that look?"

For someone who was reportedly the overall strongest of the monsters, Mona was amused at how fluffy Asgore looked when cleaned up. She had the image of him working at a petting zoo, not to tend the animals, just to sit down and get booped. The golden locks had initially felt rough in her grasp, but now they were silky smooth. That shampoo did its job.

"It feels really comfortable," said Asgore, "but still a little untidy."

"Well that's what phase three is for!" She picked up her scissors. "First of all, fine detail."

The trees properly sheared, Mona could now pay attention to the full forest, and see how a few paths were overgrown. The beard was mostly well behaved, but there was no rhyme or reason to Asgore's hair, so she carefully snipped it, a handful at a time, so it was all evened out in length. She also took an electric razor, and with the lightest of touches shaved the bridge of gold connecting his beard to his hair, careful to leave only white between them, rather than the pink of bare skin.

"If this was the regular, I'd stop here," she said, "but you asked for the special..."

Leaving the hair around the ears and horns alone, for the mixture of white and gold was working for him, she took the hair at the back of his head, separated it into two groups, and started braiding it together. She had a mirror on the ceiling so customers could get a beter view of what she was doing back there, and Asgore availed of it with interest, seeing the rope of hair grow longer and longer. Soon she ran out of hair, and tied off the end of the plait with a fancy hairband.

"Golly," said Asgore, "that's an interesting look-"

"I'm not done," said Mona."

"Hmm? What else is- _Ah!_ "

His gasp reminded Mona of a bleat as she seized the longest part of his beard, and repeated what she'd built on his back in miniature. Lacking armrests, Asgore instead clenched his fists as though she was trying to defuse a bomb. Having less to work with, she finished more quickly, and a second braid erupted from his beard and rested on his chest.

" _Et voila!_ " She whisked off the blanket, grabbed a hand mirror and moved it around him to get all the angles. "Thought the braid worked well with your hair, so I went with a Viking look. You don't even need the helmet, you already have horns! How does that look for you?"

Braids aside, Asgore looked just as Asgore always did, his hair and fur perhaps a little brighter than when he'd have washed himself or cleared away dirt with fire magic. The hair not imprisoned by her binding appeared tame, yet not lifeless. Mona could see he was resisting the urge to fiddle with the beard braid. A wise decision.

"...I like it as a change," he said, getting to his feet. "It feels like I've made an effort."

"Well it's me who's made the effort," she joked. "But yeah, I bet she'll like it."

"Oh absolutely, I've never done anything fancy with my hair before, I bet she'll say-" Asgore slapped a mighty hand over his mouth realising the trap he'd blundered into. He looked suspiciously at Mona, who just maintained professional satisfaction at her work, with the slightest hint of amusement in her smile.

"If you get tired of it," she said, masterfully gaslighting him about what she'd done, "you can remove the hairband at the back and unravel it. Beard should be easier, so careful with touching it."

"I see. Thank you," he said, grateful to play along with acting like that didn't happen. "Well," he continued, "how much for this?"

"Nothing. On the house."

His purple eyes widened in surprise. "After all that work? All that shampoo. Come on, Mona, I can't leave such fine work uncompensated."

"Sure you can. Every monster that has at least one functioning hair follicle has come to me since we first met, even if just for a shampoo. If I hadn't grokked you by now I'd have thought you ordered them to come, but it's just your word of mouth carries a lot of weight with your neighbours. Plus, Bratty alone is a gold mine of gossip, and gossip keeps me sane on slow days. So this one is free. No charge."

Asgore plunged a hand into his pocket to find his wallet. "At least take a tip, I insist-"

"Not today. And if you push it, I'll call the cops and ban you for three months. Don't worry, this isn't a bribe or anything."

He sniffed, amused. "You drive a hard bargain."

"And you push hard on things you don't have to."

"...true. Well, I'd better get home before five so I can... do nothing special. Thank you so much, Mona."

The bell jingled again as Asgore steered his horns past the low doorframe. Grinning to herself, Mona knelt on the floor to brush up the golden hairs, peppered with white ones dislodged from her brushing, and when she looked up again, an off-white grey face with oversized lips was looking at her with a permanent pout.

"What's up," said Jerry, "I need a haircut."

Mona steeled herself. "Sir, I explained before, you don't have hair."

"That's where you're wrong." He tilted his wide squat frame until she was looking directly into his ear, where a small grey bush was indeed firmly planted.

"If you can make it disappear, I'll pay double, so everyone can know I spend the most on my personal appearance." His noodly arm absently toyed with a pimple on his nose, which popped.

Mona fished around in her drawer for tweezers. Sooner started, sooner finished.

**Author's Note:**

> (Yes I know Viking helmets didn't have horns)
> 
> Thanks to [Congar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Congar/pseuds/Congar/works) for the initial spark.
> 
> Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!


End file.
